I Thought It Was Funny, But No One Else Did

My neighbor, Smokin’ Grandma, has a box fan in the window of her house. It’s not on right now and is backlit, so it looks like a large starfish trapped in a cage. Do you think I should go over to Smokin’ Grandma’s house and ask her to let Patrick Starr out?

No. That is Patrick’s felonius cousin, “Johnny No Neck” Starr. He’s doing hard time for felony assault and hanging paper at the Krusty Krab! Don’t be the one to let Bikini Bottom’s most wanted out of jail! Besides, Smokin’ Grandma would never agree to it. She gets lots of fat federal jail subsidies for being his jailer!

spinkylee asked: My son wanted to know if he could use my question of the day, so I said yes. He wants to know, “Who let the dogs out?”

Christina Rossetti! She gets around, yo. Interestingly, Matthew Arnold tried to let them back in, but then got depressed and wrote a gloomy poem while making his wife sleep in another building.

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I noticed in my studies that Donald Duck does not wear pants. If you could design pants for Donald Duck, what would they look like?

Skin-tight leather chaps, with studs.

Alas, the Ticketmaster website will not let me purchase tickets to see Pulp. 

While I am sad, I guess this means I will be able to save up more money to stalk see Rush on the Clockwork Angels tour.

This thought terrifies me, but I want to know what you think: What if fish flew around everywhere and all the sea creatures could walk on land or fly in the sky? For example, on my way to work, maybe I will have to drive through a school of fish. Not cool, I say. What sayeth you?

I say totally not cool. For one thing, fish poop is pretty gross. Would it still just kind of string out from behind them like it does in the water? I don’t know how the physics and physiology would work. 

Also, there are a lot of kinda freaky-looking fish out there. Not as gross as house centipedes, but house centipedes are the devil. I would not want to move a bookshelf and find an angler fish back there. 

Finally, as you know but some of these other fine folks may not, I have a serious fear of sharks. Now, this is bad enough when I live far, far away from the sea, but it would be so much worse if I had to worry about them just kind of crashing around on land! I’d never leave the house!

In summary, I vote “no” on proposition “fish can just be around on land like it ain’t no thang.”

spinkylee asked: Explain your physical reactions to hearing “Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet and why you have such reactions.

Okay, this is a big sacrifice for me, as I am experiencing symptoms just thinking of this song, but anything for you, Spink. 

“Ballroom Blitz” makes my teeth sweat. It makes my hair break out in hives. It gives me ants in my pants. (The dreaded “ansy pantsy.”) It makes my toenails bleed. My nerves voluntarily dunk themselves in battery acid when it comes on the radio.

I may be losing major classic rock points by saying this, but this song causes me huge amounts of distress, because it blows ass. Especially when the guy kinda squeals, like in the whole “She thinks SHE’S the passionate one!” part. I hate it. Hate it. Wayne and Garth may be disappointed, but them’s the breaks. Now I have to go take some Pepto and boil my ears… Gah! Where’s a blowtorch when you need one?